Just going to go on a very deep personal level about myself right now, and I hope I will not regret this in the end and just delete it and not post it…

Relationships… I hate them. Wrong wording. I’m scared of them. Relationships scare the actual shit out of me. Why? Being in a year long relationship that I was scared to leave has had a huge impact on me. At the time I didn’t see it… I couldn’t tell what was going on even though everyone was there to tell me. I pushed away my friends and my social life for him. He was my everything, actually.

He hit me, he bit, he held me down until I couldn’t breathe. How didn’t I see it? Maybe because he apologized? But did he really? Everything always seemed to be my fault. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have hit you, I didn’t mean it. You know I love you, but you just shouldn’t have done that.” You know what, fuck you.

Because of him… because of him I’m scared to death of the relationship I’m now in. I have a fantastic boyfriend. He’s liked me since June. That’s 7 months. I know I’ve liked him for a while, but I would never let myself show it. I hate you for that. He’s amazing, he’s never done anything wrong, or upset me in any way. He’s sweet and really actually cares about me… But I won’t let him.

I have a wall up that I don’t want there. You built that wall. I’m trying my hardest to let it down for him but I just can’t. I’m not able to let him in. I wish, just this once. Any time we get close to anything, I back out. I can’t take the feeling of being used. I don’t want to be used, I don’t want to give him what he wants just to have him leave me. I know in my mind that he’s not going to use me. I know that for a fact. No guy on this earth would wait 7 months for a girl if they were just going to use them. They would move on in a heart beat. So why can’t I let him in? Because my heart has a guard on it. Why? You.